i have anxiety disorder.
I really do.
This explains my whole life and all my weird reactions so perfectly and so clearly.
I have never felt so much clarity about something before.
This is why I act like a psycho, paranoid bitch all the time.
Everything makes sense now.
I’m so fcking pissed right now that as I was falling asleep, I woke up screaming and shouting and in a fit of rage. Even my dreams are fueled by my anger.
What did I do wrong? I want to spend time with you? As much time as possible and somehow now I’m in the wrong?
"Isn’t that enough?" he asks me. Isn’t 4 days enough? Isn’t 7 days a week enough?
No, it’s never fucking enough time with you. It’s never enough. Is that so wrong that I feel that way?
Great to know I’m the one fucked up for wanting to spend my days with you regardless of how much we’ve already spent the rest of the week together.
I don’t want to count days. I just want to be with you Why are we keeping count as if we’re keeping score? As if, if we spent too much time together we’d implode?
Of course seven days together with any person will make me lose my sanity but I don’t really mind it as long as it’s with you.
And no it’s still not enough.
If you don’t want to wait a couple hours for me to get off work that’s fine. I understand. It’s pretty understandable and reasonable. It hurts my feelings and breaks my heart though because I would wait days for you if I had to. That is what I would do.
You don’t want me to pout when we suddenly don’t have time for each other and work/school gets in the way and we only get to see each other twice a week? Fine, I say, let’s just get used to it now and lessen our days down to two. How would that feel? Would that be better for us right now? Because I guess right now we’re spending too much time together. That’s fine. Two days it is. Let’s see if we can last through that. If our relationship starts to die in the cracks due to all of the time spent apart then don’t blame it on me afterwards. It’s not what I wanted. I thought we were priorities to each other? And so what if school/work got in the way? FUCK school/work. That’s what I would say when it gets to that point. That’s bullshit. I’m a priority? THEN MAKE ME A PRIORITY. And FUCK school/work for a day then if it really gets that bad. No one said it was gonna be easier as we went along. In fact it’s going to only get harder and we have to fight to spend time together. Work harder now or watch everything fall apart in front of us.
That’s fine though. If two days is enough for you then it’s fine with me. Want less than that? Why don’t we just fucking not see each other at all? How’s that? Sound good?
And here we are counting again and I hate these fucking numbers. Do we amount to numbers on a fucking clock? Is that all we are? Why are we still counting? Why does it matter how many days this week it’s been? It’s never been enough. Even if I saw you thirteen days out of a seven day week it’s not enough. Do I get my point across yet? For me it’s not about how many times or how many days or how many hours.
For me it’s just you. It’s just about you.
That’s all that matters and yet to you everything else is what matters more? That just kills me. I wish the numbers didn’t matter to you. They’re just numbers to me. Why do you have to make it all technical and numerical and ticking away like a clock constantly? Why can’t we just forget it all and not have that permanently written on the back of our minds? Why can’t our love be timeless? Why do we have to care so much aboout the little useless details like hours and days and time? Fuck it all and let’s just spend all the time we can together and stop keeping fucking timetable fucking record, okay? I’m so sick of it.
I don’t know this has just been a shitty fucking morning. Like really bad.
So I feel super fat and disgusting and my tummy is so fat it’s disgusting. I took pictures last night so i can do a before/after photo thing when i do work out more and stuff.. but i got so discouraged from that picture that I don’t even want to work out or diet or anything. I’m just so discouraged by it.
And then I don’t know when this happened but I started thinking about how he’s not a virgin and how he didn’t lose his first time to me. Of course it’s not his fault since it was the past, etc, and it was before me so he really can’t change the past… but does he even want to? Does he even wish that he could lose his virginity to me?
Should I just be happy it was 3(?) girls and not like 10…? I don’t know.
But as time goes on I can’t help but feel… Hurt every so often. I wonder if what he felt for those girls was infatuation or love? I mean it would make me feel better if he told me that the only person he’s really loved is me. But that, I don’t know either. I do hope that with the most recent ex (that disgusting fucking whore) was infatuation? Was it? I don’t know that either. I realized I don’t know anything?
It still bugs me though to think of another girl being all over him at one point, him doing the same things he does to me to someone else, and I wonder if it was just sex or love making?
I try to think that I can’t change the past and I also try to justify it saying he is a 24 male, how could he be a virgin? But I wish he had waited.. for me. Because if I could wait to lose it to my soul mate, why couldn’t he?
I wish I could stop obsessing over this thought. I love him and I could never leave him, but it does break my heart a little.
anyways I’m crying right now because this is really fucking making me upset and it shouldn’t be but I wish I just didn’t care so much. Well I wish he had waited for me.
I know, this is totally unlike me since I try not to be mopey and shit but right now I just feel lowest of the lows and I don’t even want to go to work and I just wanna cuddle into a ball and cry and sleep. I want to just like melt into the ground and die.
I’m tired of people complaining to me or posting bullshit all over their fb statuses whining about how their lives are so unsatisfactory. Well then why don’t you just go MAKE it happen? Why don’t you actually put in more than an ounce of effort to working towards a happier life? Something more meaningful and productive.
You can’t just sit there and be like “Man, I wish I could get a job.”
I just want to slap them and be like WELL MAYBE IF YOU TRIED, YOU WOULD GET ONE. Crazy how that logic works, right?
I’m not saying it’s easy. Trust me, I’ve been there. I’ve been there for three-four fucking YEARS but I never gave up and I never stopped giving it a ton of effort. Yes, it’s really fucking hard to get a job nowadays. I would know better than any fucking person. This summer I probably submitted in 200-300 applications to jobs online from all different websites as well as in-stores. I just went crazy, applying to everything that I knew I could have even a tiny chance of being the right person for. BUT IF YOU NEVER ACTUALLY TRIED WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT, WHY ARE YOU COMPLAINinG? If you didn’t send in 200 applications with a GOOD resume (that’s revised constantly to match the job posting) and writing awesome, fitting cover letters to every application, then you don’t have the right to be complaining or whining to me. Man the fuck up and get it done. Tryharder! If you didn’t have 20 interviews in the span of three weeks only to get rejected to 80% of them, then you also don’t have the right to complain yet either.
and yes, in the beginning all of my efforts were in vain, but only towards the end of my search did I realize what I was doing wrong. You have to call them, be assertive. When sending in resumes, make sure you constantly update and revise and perfect your resume. When writing cover letters, really pour out your heart to that specific job posting and really write WHY you are interested and the perfect candidate for THAT specific posting. Employers need to feel special, like they’re the only ones you want to work for. I started looking on other websites and searching around more. When I saw a store advertising, I didn’t hesitate and sent in the application the following day I saw the ad. That’s how I got the job for FE (well i quit that job but that’s a different story for another day) . See what happens when you really make an effort and try different ways towards what you’re doing? Analyze your efforts and try to see what you’re doing wrong and what you can improve on. there’s always room for improvement.
Until you’ve truly spent all your energy and efforts on this, then you can sit back for five minutes and do some self wallowing … and then you better get the fuck back up and try harder!
GOSH people these days have no drive. no one tries nearly hard enough and then they all think their lives are unfair and miserable. GET REAL. No one has it easy. Everyone who has something good right now going for them probably worked their butt off to get it. well REAL people have to anyways. Welcome to the real world. Everything isn’t gonna be handed to you on a silver platter every time. Work for it.
I’m going for an internship next. I don’t know what to do about Petticoat Lane though. This job really gives me a great knowledge about the fashion industry as well even though it’s mainly just retail. But I have learned so much about fabric and brands and how things work. If course on top of that I love this jobs to bits and it makes me happy to be at work everyday! How often do you get that from a parttime job?? And I get cool free clothes like everyday too lol. I don’t wanna leave Val hanging while I go do a three month internship but I just dont know how to manage my time other wise. I have school as well to worry about. Maybe I can do it during the summer. There’s so many amazing internship opportunities out there right now and I wish there was more than seven days in a week so i can squeeze in an internship too ;~; Like for example BCBG is looking for tons of people right now! And St. John Knits is too. omfg do you know how huge it would be to work for SJK?! Ahhhh that’d be epic! They’rre the ideal internship i want to do if i do one. I was looking at the fashion showroom specific internship they have offering right now and almost died. You get to assist photoshoots and runway shows…. HOW EPIC IS THAT?! slfjhslfjh . I want this so bad! Can’t wait for summer!! Eeeeeeeeee~~!
Anyways… not enough time to finish this correctlyyy. I gotta run now. Shall be back later.
I feel like I’ve been wearing drunk glasses for a very long time and I finally just took them off recently. I don’t know. I feel like my life has just gotten this whole new wave of different perspectives.
Like how some things that I worry about just seem so trivial and small. If I just take a deep breath and wish them away, then they would just seem that much more insignificant - like I would be like, “Why did I worry so much about that anyways?”
Like for example I don’t know- I let things like T and A not hanging out with me like make me DERPESSED for a long time and just really hated them. But now it’s like things have totally switched around. I don’t NEED them in my life for me to be happy. In fact I feel like I’m better off without them. They’re just… not on my level of perspectives I think. You know I’m really working my ass off (literally) to move on my with my life and my hard work has paid off! - I got three more jobs on top of the one I already have! So in return, they’re the ones talking to me and like hitting me up to go hang out. I keep rejecting their offers to hang out mainly because I just AM busy or have some other things I really have to do - it’s not out of spite or anything. Well we’re going shopping for school supplies this Sunday I guess so hmm we’ll see how it goes.
Some things that I have let slip by my mind are the people who really do want to spend time with me. Like Brittany or Karen or Jennifer or Nicole. I just fell like I forgot all about the people who ACTUALLY care for me in exchange for worrying about those who don’t give a shit about me.
This summer has broadened my horizons. I met so many new people and made so many friends - probably more friends than I did during the entire school year last year! I don’t know - I just felt like I found a whole nother bunch of people who just love being around me and really care about me. I’m so sad I didn’t see this earlier. But either way, I really love all my new friends and I hope to become closer with them in the future!
I lost sight of how some things that bring me happiness are no longer such a big part of my life - like music and k-pop for example. The hype kind of died down with me but concerts and music videos and just them being ridic always made me happy inside and like I had a part of my life that was not dependent on other people in it but rather just by music that would always be there for me. I really hate Leland for trying to take that away from me and saying how K-pop was a waste of my time, money and energy. Thinking about how he said those things to me makes me hate him so much. What is fucking wrong with him? How could he try to take away something from my life that makes me so happy and carefree? It’s like he’s trying to take away a piece of my happiness. That’s just fucked up and cruel. I can’t believe I stayed with him after even that - an entire YEAR! After all that emotional abuse he put me through with that and trying to Guilt me into thinking that liking k-pop was a bad thing and something to be ashamed of. If it was the me now I would have told him to FUCK OFF and stop trying to take away something that makes me who I am and something that gives me happiness. I would have left him right then and there if he had said that to the me now. I just .. can’t believe I took all that bullshit sitting down like a bitch. I even took his bullshit of cussing at me. NO ONE fucking cusses at me during an argument and gets away with it. Even if we are arguing, I try to keep it civil and respectful in terms of language and would never cuss or call names. NEVER. That was actually ONE OF the reasons I broke up with him but I just can’t believe I just took that bullshit! Well he only did it once but it was enough to just make me feel like he slapped me across the face - he might as well have!
RAWR I have to go to work now but I shall be back later!
there’s some truth to this statement I suppose. there are some things I would really not care to know. Things I wish I didn’t know.
Lots of things I wish I didn’t remember.
I want to literally take a scalpel to my brain and carve out the memories I want to forget; to remove those pieces of my mind that carry the knowledge I never wanted to know.
Ignorance is bliss, they say.
so quickly that I’m desperately trying to grasp on to them before they are long gone and escape from me without me barely even noticing…
So one month anniversary yesterday!!! We didn’t get to spend it together because I had to go on this family trip to the OC fair =_= I was not pleased. So apparently everyone has drama in their lives… my two close friends are also struggling with a suddenly psycho parent as well so we’re all kind of empthazing with each other.
I got three interviews!! One on Saturday, one tomorrow, and one on thursday as well~! I better get AT LEAST one of them~! Though if I had to pick I would want to work at the shoe store so I can get some good retail experience .. >_<; Either way, as long as I get one of them I’ll be happy. As long as I make at least $500 a month from that job, combined with my other job already, I’ll be making like $700 a month .. and I’m trying to get a place for $400 :X I hope I can do this.. I want to move out by mid-semester or so…or after this first quarter?… idk yet. We’ll see how it goes. Plus I’ll be getting like $3500 extra from Financial Aid so that will be my backup money in case everything goes down the shit hole >_<;; Time to save up money~! I want to move out with either Brittany, Kimly, or C… but mostly C of course!! That’s not happening until he graduates though sobs.. so if i do move out… I’ll be so lonely all on my owney ); SIGHH.
I can’t WAIT for Chuong’s birthday next week!!!! I really hope he’ll like his present(s)…many…many .. presents LOLOL. Oh man, I am spoiling this boy… but I can’t help myself! Everytime I see something that remotely fits him … I want to buy it >_< So I kind of went overboard and spent like $200 lol omg >< so much for saving money lskfjhlskfjh but its okay .. I’m really satisfied with the things I got and he totally deserves it because he spends so much money on me anyways.. I often feel bad for being such an expensive girlfriend >_<; and plus he rarely buys things for himself so …. what am I good for anyways if I don’t buy things for him? :”D Eeeeep he’s gonna be sooo old~ 24?? WAahhh that’s old ahaha.
my psycho mother is driving me nuts. this is getting really bad. I got super depressed again the other day and started crying again … I really hate this. She’s ruining my life. I can’t even stay home anymore because she just glares at me 24/7 and everytime she talks to me, she just snaps at me and/or yells… it really pisses me off. Naturally, I retaliate by giving her an attitude and just ignore everything she says because she’s always yelling at me anyways. Why should I even try anymore when it’s obvious she just HATES me or something? I know everyone is saying that’s not the case…but if she really does care then she’d want me to be happy and shit so she would stop acting like a psychotic bitch. >_>;; Anyways, I just feel this suppressing feeling of hatred and animosity everytime I’m at home or even near home …so I try to go out more so that I don’t have to deal with it. but the thing is that if I go out too much then my dad starts questioning why am I going out so much. .. It’s just a really vicious cycle -__-;;; So um yeah. Only solution… go to school 24/7 and work 24/7 UUUUGHHhh. Oh YES and then she also STALKS me around the house like keeps checking on me like every 15 minutes … and if she catches me on the phone she goes all psycho stalker mode and stares at me.. and of course that one night when she was like “Are you talking to him?!” and went all batshit on me … dlgjfhjsfh UGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh. I’m gonna lose my minddd!!! WTFFFF! And yesterday night I woke up at like 3AM to see her in my room staring at me like a fucking creeper shit. It was so scary.. I was like “what are you doing?!” and she just walks away…. I’m putting a chair at my door tonight so she can’t get in…that psycho ._.;; I’m scared she’s plotting to murder me in my sleep! .__.
C just scared the shit out of me by pretending he was super pissed at me and telling me how he’s gonna sign off and ignore my calls/texts for a day or so. I started panicking and freaking out immediately and my body was like *TINGLE WITH HORROR* I was so scared I started crying like going “WTFFFF? T_T” and then he said that’s what he would do to me if he got that pissed at me and I was like ARE YOU KIDDING ME. That’s not a funny joke.. I got really scared. It’s terribly frightening to imagine him doing that to me. But I know he can be cold to other people so imagining him being like that to me is terrifying and I don’t want that to ever happen. I think I’d just be so shocked/scarred by it that I’ll just shrink into a shell and like never talk to him the same way again … T_T idk I’m very fragile when people are cold to me or attack me. My defense is to respond even more dramatically … I’d probably do the same thing to him and not talk to him for like a week/month and then yeah everything would just go down the shithole… >_<;; Anyways so um yeah I just found out how scared I get when things get threatened between us… Let’s try to keep them calm and mellow-y from now on to prevent a catatonic break down from me :””D
My room is an avalanche right now. I tried to sort out old files and clear some stuff up but the result is actually a mountain of papers and shit covering my floor…. cuz I didnt finish clearing things up and it got super late already.
So I have a hard time sleeping with a messy room which is why I can’t really sleep.
I think my mother is making me have depression. I find myself feeling helpless and extremely hopeless at times… and just staring off into space with a sinking feeling. I need to move out of here soon before I lose my mind. Everyone is advising me against it but you know what? They say they understand… but they don’t. They don’t know what it feels like to have your own mother hate you.
Sure, moving out is no breeze, and of course I have to plan very carefully and cleverly before I move out. I have to be stable and secure and prepared to be on my own and having more responsibilities and be liable for my own ass. Everyone says it’s a lot of a work and stress and stuff. But when was taking a new, big step in life ever an easy thing? Everything is pretty rough when you first start out but you just gotta keep working at it and trying harder. It’s called life. Sometimes you’re not completely ready for something but sometimes those things need to come to pass anyways. What are you gonna do about it? Face it bravely with hope and courage or run away back into the past? I need to change the dynamics of my relationship with my mother. I need to make her see that I am grown up and smart and I can make my own decisions. She stills sees me as a little girl who doesn’t know anything about the world which is why she thinks she can control my life and everything I do. In order to change her view, I have to show her that I can support myself and I can live on my own and be just fine. Only will she realize that I have grown up and I’m mature and I can take care of myself just fine now…
need to write more things … but tomorrow… for I am exhausted and shall go to bed ><…
For a few days~! I was a very happy kitty. and then it came back today czu i think I ate some greasy food yesterday… damn I guess this really is another huge reason for me not to eat greasy/fatty foods anymore T_T;; Fucking my digestive system is so fucked up!
I need to work out soon. I’m getting so fat.
I wonder why my parents still nag/bother/bug me about why I’m going out when they know have I have a boyfriend now…idk why they bother even asking me where I am going - the answer is not going to be lifechanging or anything and 90% of the time they probably already know I’m going to be with the bf and yet they ask anyways. I don’t understand why. I would really rather them just straight up tell me to stop going out rather than asking me. That would make more sense to me x_x
Drama llama in the land of my life. So yeah shit kinda hit the fan? After freaking out and fretting for a couple days I’ve calmed down and don’t really give a shit anymore. I’ll just move out on my own if shit gets worse. I’m so done dealing with this psycho bullshit. -_- DONE i tell you.
Summer is going by slowly and scarily fast at the same time. the days blur together in a hazy lethargic kind of rhythm but I’m trying hard to pick them apart and keep the memories distinct. Still no job. I failed epicly at the one thing I wanted to accomplish this summer. Well I tried… maybe not hard enough ? but all the places rejected me .. ;_; I guess I really do have to spamcall them to make them realize how badly I want the job. I feel like a failure anyways… but I guess you can’t get everything perfectly because lots of other amazing things happened this summer… ;P Life changing things~!
Trying to catch up on so many things. I’m slowly slipping back into that kdrama, kpop addiction again and trying to keep up with all the new releases of groups and stuff but it’s very exausting. I don’t know how I had so much energy before to fangirl like crazy over all these different fandoms/groups. I barely have enough energy for Avengers/Supernatural fandom alone lol cuz that just takes so much out of me ._.; I try though. I really miss Merlin though. I should probably get back into that…
I get so self-conscious around him. Well not really self-conscious.. more like I want to be perfect? I want to exceed all his expectations and be the best…but you know it’s not that easy because he’s just naturally very opinionated and picky. Nothing wrong about being like that.. just means he has high standards but it just makes me feel as if I’m not doing good enough at times and that in turn makes me feel shityy about myself. I’m just an overachiever! D: I should stop fretting so much when we don’t have the same tastes or he doesn’t 100% like/approve/love the things I do or the things I love ;_; agh. I feel like I have to try harder to fit his expectations/tastes or whatever .. and it worries me because I used to be so comfortable in my own skin and with the things I liked… since when did it matter what other people thought or what other people liked? I think I just care so much about what he thinks that I’m trying so hard… and I just REALLY want to please him… D: Need to get it through my thick skull that it’s okay if we dont agree on EVERYTHING and if we dont like ALL THE SAME THINGs and that he likes me for who I am and I should be able to have my own tastes/likes/hobbies/interests… I’m just so conscious and stuff. Makes me BLEH :| I’m mad at myself for caring WAY too much! How to stop this madness for perfection?!
Also, I really don’t think I can do a whole year apart. I know I say I’m independent… and when I used to be with L… I WANTED to go to Korea for a whole schoolyear and I didn’t fret about it at all. But that’s because I wasn’t in love with him anymore at that point and imagining myself being away from him for a year didn’t faze me. but imagining being apart from C for even a MONTH makes my heart beat faster and a sense of dread fall over me… like I get mini panic attacks just from THINKING about it … wow … so yeah a year would destroy me despite me being the non-needy person that I am ._. Or that I think I am .__.;;; I could TRY to do my own thing and keep busy and be independent for like maybe three months TOPS and then I think I would just break down and fall into a stage of depression ;___; and just like cry all the time lol that’s pathetic ;__; HOW DO PEOPLE HANDLE LONG DISTANCES?! I don’t get it.
I’ll just fly over there and stay with him for a year lol FUCKIT.